the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
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