Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
