Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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