you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Randomize
