Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
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