I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
