i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Randomize
