You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
