M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
only if we run a train.
done.
smell my finger.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
