the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
ttyl tear gas
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
