My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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