So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
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