Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
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