your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
