FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
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