Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
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