Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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