we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
