note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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