i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Randomize
