Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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