It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
