I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
So here I am, sexting at work.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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