I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Randomize
