i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
You're like the curious george of whores
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
