how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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