Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Randomize
