on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
