He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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