Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I touched a dick in church today
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