The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
