smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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