i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
