I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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