I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
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