Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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