Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I think my fart just growled at me.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
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