My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Randomize
