He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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