i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Randomize
