Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
