You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
