shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
