Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
