I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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