Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
