I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Randomize
