Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Randomize
