good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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