You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
